where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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