I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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