she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize