I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
