census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
so let's talk penis.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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