Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
