Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
