Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
