I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
