PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
3pm strippers are depressing
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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