had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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