we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
