No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Vodka?
Forever.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
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