I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
