I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
