Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
