i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
a search helicopter?!
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
