I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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