So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize