The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
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