I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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