i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
