I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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