I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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