you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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