You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
