Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He better not be in your backpack
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize