then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
