Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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