I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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