I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
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