Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
