My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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