plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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