have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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