I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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