I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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