My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
