3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
