Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
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