I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
