I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
