I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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