I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
