my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
