I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
