how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
