Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
