dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
