how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
