It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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