You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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