Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
