my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
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