his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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