My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Randomize
