If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
