the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
