Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
How's work?
Spinning.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Randomize
