our cab driver is having phone sex.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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