I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
