Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
