Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
