I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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